Not Better; Not Bitter

Not Better; Not Bitter

Kidney disease continues to be like an octopus, stretching its long tentacles places I never knew it would stretch.  Folks are starting to say regularly that M  is so healthy, and they are so thankful "things are back to normal."  It is like I feel a little dagger every time since there is no getting back to normal for us (though we are still praying for a miracle).  Well-meaning folks ask since they look and see a very happy little girl, and from the looks of it they assume we are getting remarkably better. Kidney disease is tricky like that and called chronic KD for a reason.  We are not through to any "other side."    I usually nod and say, I'm so happy for where we are and living life at home.  I really am.  But, this week was a stark reminder of reality as a new medicine for the bone effects of chronic kidney disease began. It has our minds grappling in fear for the future again.  It is so very hard to not ask God each day where this is going in one month, two years, ten years...

Daddy Lovin'

Things are not better; but I am not going to be bitter.  Each day is a trial to live in the now, and be joyful in the where- we- are, even if it is still going to be the advanced stages of kidney disease and we don't know what tomorrow brings. One of my songs for M is Danny Goky's, "The Comeback Song," and one of the lines from "Old Church Choir" that says,  "there ain't nothing gonna steal my joy."  But, this is a daily truth for me.  I don't have any plans to let the devil and my sin take any more of our life. 

God says he'll be with us as we walk through "the valley of the shadow of death," and I just don't like remembering that promise and our shadow experience every 2 weeks for blood work or every month at GHS when my child has a "life threatening" disease as they call it.  But, I can't change His plans for us.  Still, her earthly father reminds me regularly that maybe the  reminder of the brevity of life is a gift to us. Wisdom.  The precariousness and shadow of life is clear to us now, and our kind of brokenness is at least refining.

It is hard for me to be down, when she is so up!  I am amazed and inspired and THANKFUL  by her ability to navigate all this with such a happy heart.  I am so thankful my child is not in pain and can run and play.  I am so very thankful, but I am so very not okay when we are talking about being "born again" and she said, "I wish I could really be born again without kidney issues,"  and my heart breaks a little more wishing there was a possibility for a re-do.  But, I know God can still use us in our very, not okay place, since he is enough and so then we can just be who we are each day.  

 I am learning about what it looks like to be okay, even when things are not okay. I am learning to not wallow in lies (like if I could understand why and how this happened then maybe I could accept it more easily), but to have down days and times and then pick back up and get better at the brokenness (foster care involvement is still a good practice in this) is a real life skill.  Though our things might not get better, ourselves can still get better.   God may not have called me to a pretty,manicured,simple, manageable life for my ease, but instead I can choose to keep depending on him to wade through what comes and honor him with my life and those choices usher in real, lasting immovable joy.