“What if you wake up some day, and you’re 65…and you never got your memoir or novel written or you didn’t go swimming in warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you had a nice comfortable tummy or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life of imagination and radical silliness…it’s going to break your heart. Don’t let that happen.”
― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life
First of all, this title is deceiving. I am past the point of being able to be a minimalist. I've already built a house that is too big (though it seems full and used?), married into my husband's farm dream, and chose to birth/adopt a total of 4 kids (sometimes a 5th when DSS calls) and still love to love a steady stream of other people's foster kids. The minimalist train has left the station folks. However, what I can do is live an life of intentionality. I didn't know I was shifting my life around a bit over 5 years ago to more of an intentional lifestyle, but we did. Reading David Platt's book Radical kicked off a transformation in our lives. It's a journey we are still traveling.
Oscar Wilde said, "Life is not complex. We are complex. Life is simple, and the simple thing is the right thing." There is a lot of truth in this idea. If only it was easy to live out.
When I am processing a change in my life, I write. I also want my kids to know some of my heart one day when they look back at choices we made for them that maybe I didn’t explain clearly enough out loud! I have always wanted a “big, juicy life” of adventure and since I am such an extrovert it is hard for me to slow down and live as intentionally as I hope. I truly believe if you are not swimming upstream, then this world will just carry you away with it. I don't want to be carried away by unimportant things.
This year has been one where I have been listening more to what my husband is saying. I know that sounds odd, but I am hard-headed. He keeps saying a few mantras: "Simplify." "Less is More." "Disappoint the Right People." He has been good at helping me mentally make a list of things that I don't need to do.
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This one is one of J's favorite--Proverbs 13:7 A pretentious, showy life is an empty life; a plain and simple life is a full life.
After Radical, I started de-cluttering what was making me overly busy to make room for adoption/foster parenting, a passion I had no doubts God had led me to as my ministry calling. I had to stop leading a regular small group to start streamlining my passions and join them with being a small group leader by starting a foster parent Bible study/faith –based support group, and I’ve been able to see a miracle unfold as we build a team of families caring for our community's foster kids.
Next, I've been saying more no’s when possible so that I can focus on the many things (and people) already calling my name and on what I am really passionate about doing with my life.
Slowing down is one way to "save some energy" to cope with high needs children more effectively. I need to keep gearing down, as I tend to be a pedal-to-the-metal kind of gal so that I have "space" to be the person God called me to be. It has helped me have more time to do simple things like wait 10 seconds before I melt down over a slow-to-move child not following directions (but I need to make so much more progress here).
Phase 2 was saying no to every rec sports and social opportunity for my children. Don’t get me wrong, we do plenty of sports/arts/dance, but not all the time, for every child, all year long. My kids learn far more about teamwork and have character development opportunities each time we said yes to a foster child instead of filling that space up with a weekly commitment long-term.
Phase 3 has really been cleaning out the house, and therefore the things that waste my time and clutter my peaceful living. After 12 years of parenting and 16 years of marriage, we had too much stuff (and we still do, but this is a process). We filled up the back of J’s truck, then we’ve filled up 6 van loads of junk we just don’t need. As I’ve listened to Rick Warren’s Transformed podcasts, along with secular podcasts like Slow Home it has helped me let go of other things I was holding on to for the wrong emotional reasons.
I’ve also been reading the book Do Less: A Minimalist Guide to a Simplified, Organized, and Happy Life by The Minimalist Mom (check out her blog), which is funny since years ago I loved Jen Hatmaker’s book, 7: an Experimental Mutiny Against Excess, which also encourages you to simplify the choices you have to make in life. Jesus himself was quite the simple man. I don’t think we have to sell all our things (not even close) to keep things simple, but I do think making some changes has helped us, so I thought I’d share other moves we’ve made (some even 16 years ago).
There are some Minimalist ideas that
have always been valuable to us:
We don't finance things. (Capital One has incredible savings options to earmark funds for things you want/need. I think we are tucking tiny amounts of money away monthly for a a couple things and a couple trips!)
We don't eat out much.
We don't have any screens in
our bedrooms.
We eat dinner together most nights,
even if it means eating at 4:30 or 5 now and again!
We don't go to malls and buy many
new things or name-brand anything much (see my note on used items below).
We do like to spend money on
experiences not on things (which has taken some mind shift for J and the kids).
Having time to play on the farm and
in the backyard with our kids.
We don't have expensive or fancy
cellphones sticking us in a contract.
We don't have a TV plan. Hulu or
Netflix is enough for the time we have to waste.
I stayed home with our kids for a
long time and have always taken more minimalistic jobs, and the sacrifices that
entails have been completely worth it. About 2 years ago, I quit a job I
thought was a good idea at the time that ended up sucking the life out of me
and then the family.
Spending time outside! I believe at
my core fresh air is good for you. Period.
Being simple
isn’t just a new age idea!
I think simplifying life helps
make my Bible verse this year easier to do: 2 Cor 5:9-- So we make it
our goal to please him. If we have fewer distractions and less to be
busy doing that’s unimportant and doesn’t line up with your life values, it is
far easier to please Him.
Remember this reminder: “Martha,
Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but
few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and
it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41-42 (NIV)
We have had to “throw off” some things, and it has been GOOD.
1 Timothy 6:6-7 : 6 Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. 7 After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it. 8 So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content.
Mathew 6:19-21 Lay not up for yourselves treasures on earth where rust or moths corrupts or where thieves break in and steal but lay up treasures in heaven where moth and rust does not corrupt and thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is there will your heart be also.
16 years ago we decided there would be no TVs in our kids’ bedrooms or ours. Today a new rule of mine is to not have electronic devices or phones at the table either. We leave all our devices downstairs at bedtime, but not bringing it to the table has been harder for me and the kids! Mealtimes are times for conversation or just enjoying the food and thinking.
We just stay home more. We don’t eat out that much, and I think we go to the movies maybe a couple times every few years. I have had a harder time, as an extrovert, than J staying home more. He and one of my sons would never leave home. However, I know when I don’t waste money eating out (which only packs on the pounds and makes me feel sick anyway), we can better afford a big adventure for us out West! This, though, leads me to one of the minimalist tenets I had actually been preaching to Jonas for years—spend more money on experiences then on stuff! So, don’t expect to see me cleaning out my kayaks, canoe, 1990s boat, or our 1998 camper anytime soon. I must have fun to live folks! We try to convince our kids to do something fun on their birthdays these days rather than throw huge, elaborate parties.
There are some things that keep me sane, and I'll always carve out the time and not feel guilty. I walk my driveway most every day. It's 35 minutes of peace and fresh air, and it’s a free gym. I pray, listen to podcasts and praise music, or return calls most days while I walk. There are some wonderful things about your kids being older, and this is one!
We usually eat dinner together, at home, something I’ve prepared in some way, and we will sometimes share about our day or play “Would you Rather?,” or I’ll give out FLARP awards (more on that below), and our goal is to do a devotional (but again we could do better here).
Newer Ideas I’m aiming to make time and discipline to complete:
-when I buy new clothes it means something is going when I put it in my closet.
-make a 30 day wait-to-buy list. If it’s still there in 30 days, and you need it, then buy it.
-I am writing snail mail letters to encourage people monthly.
Some new things I’ve enjoyed since I’m gearing down:
-laying down with my older kids at night.
-sitting down and choosing a new learning app to play with the kids
-working a puzzle with a child I didn’t know was so good at puzzles
-making homemade, all-natural soap 30 bars at a time with my hubby!
-playing Scrabble this winter!
The same goes for owning expensive, nice things. If you have a spotless new boat/truck, then you are stressed when using it instead of enjoying it, have to insure it, have to build a shed to store it, etc., so you can quickly see how owning all these shiny things can carry a heavy burden. We've always been happy to have used things, and then there is more money to spend on using it and when it gets banged up ...well, it's used anyway!
The author claims that people today have FOMO: Fear of Missing Out. I have often wondered why anyone would EVER reply to an invitation, "We will 'try' to make it." Why don't they just say they can't come? OR, why don't they just commit to being there! I think she answers my question. She says Americans are obsessed with social media because they have FOMO. She claims no one can commit to plans since "something better might come up" and then you'd have to MO. That's a sad way to live to me. I say Carpe Diem! If it is something that lines up with your values, and is a great investment of time (in quality relationships with people mostly), then just DO IT. Faithfulness is a lost art it seems. If I do choose to say I will be somewhere, then I do all I can to show up. I am trying to consistently preach this to my kiddos as well when commitments seem painful.
Simplifying food has been wonderful! Grocery shopping is faster and easier as well. A decade ago, I simplified breakfast. We don't do syrup on school mornings for heaven's sake! Who wants to smell your syrup-slathered child all day and most anything that goes with syrup is junk. I used to try to make complex meals and casseroles, which I hated and which no one really enjoyed. We have really simplified meals since the truth is when you start baking things more than likely you are adding ingredients that are terrible for you. So, meals at our house involve a meat, a grill usually), and then a salad/vegetable/fruit. I try to make a bean weekly. They are just so good for you. My kids pick a "healthy" to go with their meat and we are done. Occasionally, I add a roll, rice, or bread since you gotta live! We have spaghetti, Mexican foods, grilled most anything, and barbecue. Yes, I serve frozen pizza, but thankfully not as many nuggets as I once did ! Meals have been simplified, and it is freeing. Kids don't appreciate culinary variety I've learned.
Continuing to modify life with an eye for simple and relationship-based choices will always be a struggle. There are just so many "good" things to get involved in, do, and experience! If your family has not figure out its mission and goals, then I challenge you do that and filter life through that mission statement. Too many good things often end up drowning out all the best things to invest this one life in. Pray with me that God will give us the discernment we need to find our truest passions, and then make the best choices for our families in light of our core values. We are trying to live out our FLARP values in a world that is non-FLARPY for sure.
Crooks Family Verse-
Romans 12:
9-Don’t just pretend to love others; really love them.
Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
10-Be devoted to one another; honor one another.
11-Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.
12-Be joyful in hope, patient in trouble, and keep on praying.
13-When people are in need-help them.
If we are too busy with no space in our agenda and no extra energy, how can we help people when they need us?
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| Our FLARP Family Goals: F-Fun, L-Loving, A-A-Team, R-Respectful, P-Peace Maker. |
“I believe we would be happier to have a personal revolution in our
individual lives and go back to simpler living and more direct thinking.
It is the simple things of life that make living worthwhile, the sweet
fundamental things such as love and duty, work and rest, and living
close to nature.”
— Laura Ingalls Wilder
