The Connected Child

 One year thoughts on our adoption journey included!

Some parts I needed to digest and some parts I felt that we already had gotten hold of!

Play is the best therapy. Laughing with a child, being face to face, and being active with children...reading books, working puzzles, playing games, running around on the trampoline--THIS IS good THERAPY!

Perfectionists are always hauling their heavy expectations up a steep mountain and never stopping long enough to enjoy the view--Purvis, There is an added pressure for adopted children to "act right" "be right" "look right" since they are "different" in some way...we must let this pressure go!!!  

Be compassionate: overly empathetic even:

"Children are needy. But, in the case of adopted/foster kids that neediness is magnified.  Children from hard places need extra nurturing and attention.  ...If you have preconceived notions of how much neediness is acceptable you may subconsciously....resent your child..YUCK.

Be comfortable with touching...this communicates much love and reduces stress levels.


You and your child are being asked to team up together and perform an unfamiliar dance.  Both partners are struggling to observe, get coordinated, and learn the new steps.  This is a shared process that with practice, will soon seem effortless.


This is from Amazon re: this book and I edited parts of it! I didn't have time to write a full-review, but if you have a child that is AT ALL difficult to manage and hard-er to love then this book is for YOU.

If you are thinking about adopting a child from a foreign country or even a child who has been shuttled from foster home to foster home, you must read this book first if you want to raise a happy and healthy child.

There are dozens of parenting books on the market, but what makes this book so very special is the authors' ground-breaking, empirical research with adopted children. Their research has been done at Texas Christian University in Fort Worth, TX (http://www.child.tcu.edu/) Their discoveries and methods are unique because they use a holistic approach to healing the wounded child. The result is that they are quietly creating miracles as their methods are learned by others and spread around the world. Their research is also helping other at-risk children, including those with autism.

According to the authors, structural changes take place in the brains of infants who were abused or deprived prior to adoption. Unfortunately, it is common practice in some foreign orphanages for babies to be laid on their backs for 24-hours a day, with a bottle propped into their mouths, and lying in soiled clothing. They are never cuddled or talked to because it makes them cry for more attention. These orphanages become eerily silent as babies eventually give up their voices. Similarly, toddlers beg for food from their cribs, only to be ignored. Many children are sexually abused in these orphanages.

Many adoptive parents believe that all they have to do is adopt the baby, and love and nurture it, and everything will be fine. However, the authors' research shows that these parents are about to face the biggest, and perhaps the most expensive, challenge of their lifetime. Happily, that challenge will be rewarding, and more likely to succeed, if they read "The Connected Child" and practice the authors' advice. And so should their pediatrician or any other caregiver! They will understand what made their child unapproachable, angry, fearful, sexually precocious, sleepless, aggressive or withdrawn. Most importantly, they will have the knowledge and the tools they need to ensure their child develops normally.

The authors' research grew out of a summer camp they developed for adopted children with emotional and behavioral problems. Saliva and urine tests were done on each child. The chemical results were shocking! They discovered that the children's neurotransmitter levels were off the charts. They also discovered that when they used specific behavioral interventions, and gave them special supplements with the support of a doctor, the children's' neurotransmitter levels began to normalize. Their behavior changed completely!


Some parts I needed to digest and some parts I felt that we already had gotten hold of!

Play is the best therapy. Laughing with a child, being face to face, and being active with children...reading books, working puzzles, playing games, running around on the trampoline--THIS IS good THERAPY!

Perfectionists are always hauling their heavy expectations up a steep mountain and never stopping long enough to enjoy the view--Purvis, There is an added pressure for adopted children to "act right" "be right" "look right" since they are "different" in some way...we must let this pressure go!!!  

Be compassionate: overly empathetic even:

"Children are needy. But, in the case of adopted/foster kids that neediness is magnified.  Children from hard places need extra nurturing and attention.  ...If you have preconceived notions of how much neediness is acceptable you may subconsciously....resent your child..YUCK.

Be comfortable with touching...this communicates much love and reduces stress levels.

You and your child are being asked to team up together and perform an unfamiliar dance.  Both partners are struggling to observe, get coordinated, and learn the new steps.  This ia shared process that with practice, will soon seem effortless.

Make your focus TEACHING right behaviors; no fussing when they are expected and not done...I had to work through this!

Establish CLEAR parental authority. This is hard when you are trying to get to know a child and show them love unconditionally BUT it must be done...we are still trying to work this out!  We DID however when the bedtime battle during months 6-9!! Yeah for us! 

A prayer I made up based on a line or two of the book:  God let us be effective healers in our child's life.

Respect and honor your child's needs even when you don't understand what drives them! 

Observe your child CLOSELY!!  This really helped me see what stressed her and what caused me to be stressed by her and then we could BOTH avoid those situations!



'
Use lots of eye contact and minutes of full attention since these are a huge gift to your child.

Nurturing and structure: keeping the balance right creates safety, trust, release of control, and creates new behaviors. Connecting and Correcting...repeat that mantra!

Isolation is worse for a young child then mistreatment??? I did not know this. Why is it not easier for more people to go and get babies out of foreign orphanages.  Someone MUST change this.

"...Our goal is to free up and reveal this magnificent inner core and to enable a child to experience his/her full potential as a loving, connected, competent individual" 

Of course routine and structure were HUGE in this book and we are good at that around here! She says to help make your child's world predictable!

"Honor emotions." This one is tough for me b/c whining seems to be something that happens...and it gets old. Fast. I think girls are just more emotional!

"Keep your messages short and sweet.  Use a group of stock phrases or scripts designed to communicate values simply."  Listen and OBEY is one of mine! I want to start using this one.."I want to help you do this right."  THEN, allow a re-do/repeat.

Don't take behavior problems personally!

Use much praise and specific praise!

I have to offer her some power--choices!  She loves that!

"Don't lob words at kids and expect them to obey as you are rushing about."  GUILTY.

The IDEAL approach:
I - Immediate   The response must be quick. They recommend within 3 seconds of the misbehavior.

D - Direct   Be near. Make eye contact. Avoid distractions.

E - Efficient   Use the least amount of firmness and words necessary to make the point clear.

A - Action-based   Lead the child to a "do over," redirecting him or her to an appropriate behavior.

L - Level the response at the behavior, not the person.

Soccer and Salvation and …another book I love!

I LOVE this picture.  Celebration and one stellar Daddy in action.

This past spring Jeb decided to ask Jesus Christ to come into his life and then this past week he took the plunge to make the decision public. For a decently shy guy who does NOT like others looking at him he was super brave, and we were so proud of him.  You can tell from some of the looks on his face that he was really nervous, but I gave him lots of opportunities to wait and never wavered on getting in that water!    We were so thankful lots of family and friends could be there with us for this special time!  Our church really knows how to throw a party and my kids were thrilled with the petting zoo.  Baptism is indeed party-worthy!  Also, if you ever thought spiritual warfare did not exist I am here to say –it does.  There have been so many opportunities this past week in his life for spiritual growth and discussion that I am weary from battle this morning.  I am so happy that he has chosen to embrace our faith as his own and I pray that he will never, ever walk away and choose something different than obedience to Christ and God’s word.  I know that his life will be filled with blessing (not easy or always happy or perfect) and that he will have the abundant life God had planned for him from the start if he will follow God’s wisdom as he goes through life.  Isaiah 33:6:

He will be the sure foundation for your times, 
   a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge; 
   the fear of the LORD is the key to this treasure.

Caleb loves Mr. Jeremy.  He really thinks Jeremy needs a son..and he wants to be that man! ha!

Soccer! The boy is obsessed with soccer. When he is not playing a game, he is thinking about it or talking about it, OR we are playing the backyard or he is kicking around stuffed animals or anything he can in the house. Though he is MUCH smaller than many of the other kids on his team he is a scrappy little guy out on the field. He does not give up on getting that ball and with his agility really does a great job moving the ball down the field! After his games, he is so pumped up that it takes us a while to gear him down. J thinks it is really funny to watch because he never really got stoked about sports, but his Mama remembers well how revved up I used to be after a softball game or a tennis match! We have been able to go to two University soccer games this year and he really enjoys watching the college guys boot that ball. Not only does Jeb have fun, but the kids on his team are just precious. He has had the best coach and teammates the past couple years. I am so thankful! In another note, J and I had to coach the team one day while the coach was away and boy was that fun and stressful! I had no idea how exhausting that it was to remember where you’ve let who play, how long this one has been on the bench, encourage them like crazy, and not make any parents mad!

Caleb. Always happy.

Yes, I have almost finished an entire book while waiting in carpool lines! I have been re-reading/reviewing The Five Love Languages of Children by Chapman and Campbell.

From Amazon: Does your child speak a different language? Sometimes they wager for your attention, and other times they ignore you completely. Sometimes they are filled with gratitude and affection, and other times they seem totally indifferent. Attitude. Behavior. Development. Everything depends on the love relationship between you and your child. When children feel loved, they do their best. But how can you make sure your child feels loved? …And your love language may be totally different from that of your child. While you are doing all you can to show your child love, he may be hearing it as something completely opposite. Discover your child's primary language and learn what you can do to effectively convey unconditional feelings of respect, affection, and commitment that will resonate in your child's emotions and behavior.



Well, I really thought that Jeb’s language was Quality Time (QT-like mine). However, I found quickly that after reading the chapter on Physical Touch (PT) that I really think it was more of that. He says that PT people love to wrestle/play sports with you, etc., b/c that involves physical contact and proximity…hummm…well, I started thinking about how he loves to get in my lap when he is upset, to snuggle more than Cay, etc., and so I started applying more of this (which does NOT come totally natural to me) and so I have really noticed that we are closer and that taking him in my arms can solve an attitude problem in no time!



Cay on the other hand was easy to nail. He is a Words of Affirmation kid! (WA). If you don’t give him some WA when he has done something great, he will ask for it! I also have a nephew who loves me to say words to confirm that he does the coolest tricks! They live for praise! He even when so far as to ask J and I what we tell our students about him!!!! I laughed my head off on that one! He has even said before, “why are you proud of me?” I have really had to work on not giving superficial “good jobs” but really looking for ways to specifically praise him for Godly character traits during his day. For one, this man loves to help/serve.



I am sure their languages may change over the years and I am sure they have more than one and I am sure that ALL kids really lavish with a bit of all of the love languages…still, I think it has benefitted our relationship to be aware of these. It does not matter how much YOU love your child, if they don’t FEEL loved and accepted, well, it is no good. Just hoping to bear some fruit with them and develop a healthy long-term relationship…I need you God!

John 15:4-5

The Message (MSG)

4"Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can't bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can't bear fruit unless you are joined with me.

5-8"I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples.

Crooks family verse and...not raising a sociopath in today's world.

Barely caught him before his first tooth fell out!

How is it that today's parents, raising 2 kids, feel more stress than did parents 50 years ago who were raising five kids?  This question from  Parenting by the Book by John Rosemond has really compelled me to do some thinking this summer!


See if you are raising a socio-path...this got me?!  These are the 3 beliefs that form the core of a criminal/sociopath:
1- What I want, I deserve to have (entitlement).
2-Because I am entitled to what I want, the ends justify the means (pragmatism).
3- The rules don't apply to me; therefore, no one has a right to deny me or stand in my way (narcissism).

"people locked in maximum security prisons-score higher on self-esteem than any other group."

Other quotes I loved:
"under the circumstances, he has every right to believe that his parents exist for the sole purpose of serving him..."
"Authority, legitimately exercised, slowly liberates the human spirit, which is creative and loving, from the prison of human nature, which is anything but."
"Baumeister (a researcher) discovered that people with high self-esteem ten to have low self-control...they dont' handle defeat or disappointment well..."

This little boy lights up my every minute!

Grandma's 3 R's:
Respect--learn to submit to authority and others.
Responsibility-taking accountability for their own actions ( he talks a bit about how teachers should not dread calling parents b/c we all used to be on the same team and you could count on parents to discipline kids..but now...the kids are always innocent and it's always the teacher's fault.
Resourcefulness (my kids have a way to go here) a hang in there, figure it out, tough it out attitude when challenged.

"Ironically, the ubiquitous effort to make children happy is putting them at risk for becoming perpetual malcontents." OUCH.

Our Long-Term Childrearing Goals:

Integrity, self-control, loving-kindness,  unselfishness, compassion, service.

For a long time J and I have had our child-rearing objectives posted somewhere we can see them often.  It helps us when our kids say things like "I wish I had a different Dad/Mom" which has happened lately, unfortunately.

I have said it before and we tweak them a bit...but they stay about the same.  Even though Rosemond doesn't come out and say you should have objectives, he does say that you should keep the 30 year goal in mind and not even a 5 or10 year goal.

This can be a struggle when the world says that the most important attribute your child should have (or so it seems) is to be a star ball player.  Just look where people spend their time/money (my kids do play sports some seasons...but it doesn't take our lives over like some I know.

A quote I liked from his book--"I'm sorry, but watching a child play a sport and cheering from the sidelines does NOT constitute a family activity."  That is going to make some folks mad I am sure.

 If you have not read this book and you are a parent or teacher I highly recommend it!  He talks a lot about how and why parenting became so stressful (it used to not be so!).  He also bashes the myth that our goal is to create self-esteem. Since this has b/c America's goal our children have actually become MORE depressed and MORE unsuccessful.  He discusses being over focused on kids and micromanaging them.

I took the NLV and the NIV and combined them to come up with this:

Crooks Family Verse- Romans 12:

9-Don’t just pretend to love others; really love them.  Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

10-Be devoted to one another; honor one another.

11-Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.

12-Be joyful in hope, patient in trouble, and keep on praying.

13-When people are in need-help them. 

This is going to be tough, tough, tough for me to uphold.  Holy Spirit we need you BADLY. 

I hope I don't continue to take child-rearing notes from the world:

 22Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools 

25They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

My favorite family picture to date!

Book Description from Amazon

Picture respectful, responsible, obedient children who entertain themselves without television or video games, do their own homework, and have impeccable manners. A pie-in-the-sky fantasy? Not so, says family psychologist and bestselling author John Rosemond. Any parent who so desires can grow children who fit that description -- happy, emotionally healthy children who honor their parents and their families with good behavior and do their best in school.In the 1960s, American parents stopped listening to their elders when it came to child rearing and began listening instead to professional experts. Since then, raising children has become fraught with anxiety, stress, and frustration. The solution, says John, lies in raising children according to biblical principles, the same principles that guided parents successfully for hundreds of years. They worked then, and they still work now!
Through his nationally syndicated newspaper column and eleven books, John has been helping families raise happy, well-behaved children for more than thirty years. In Parenting by The Book, which John describes as both a "mission and a ministry," he brings parents back to the uncomplicated basics. Herein fi nd practical, Bible-based advice that will help you be the parent you want to be, with children who will be, as the Bible promises, "a delight to your soul" (Pro. 29-17). As a bonus, John also promises to make you laugh along the way.

"The risks of attempting to raise a child w/out regard for God's blueprint ...include a child who is ill-behaved, disrespectful, destructive and self-destructive, irresponsible, inattentive, careless, aggressive, self-centered, deceitful..." The risks to a child's parents include chronic frustration, stress, anxiety, anger, resentment, conflict, and guilt."  Sound familiar?  I hope not...but I have to say YES!

What is his fix you say? Commanding communication, consistency, and consequences that compel.

My paraphrase of one of his sentences: Love is not enough to raise a functional child. I wish it was!

Book Reviews are Back! Creative Correction

Well, today I decided I was going to go back to writing more about the books I am reading. I used to do that a lot when I first started blogging. I thought..."What book do I really need to review?" The first book that caught my eye was Creative Correction by Lisa Whelchel, yes, "Blair" from the "Facts of Life". Lately, I have been noticing that I am losing self-control ALMOST as much as Jeb and Caleb and the result has been a raising of my voice! I hate that. So, today I took one of her many tips out of her book and I am putting it to use and having a conference with Jeb when he gets home today. For starters, one of our long-term training objectives for our kids is self-control b/c that covers so many other problems sooooo we gotta work on that this summer...both of us. I am NOT going to spend my summer with us BOTH being frustrated with each other. So, I made him a journal. After all, he can read and write now! So, I wrote him a note with my desire to love him better and listen more and be more patient AND what I desire for him to work on. I also wrote a couple entries about what I love about him. He can read those when I send him to his room for being out of control. My plan is to write in it some nights after he goes to bed. I also told him he can write in it to me and explain his frustration (as best he can). Today (before 7am) I put them both in time-out and they were still name-calling. So, I have decided that they both have rooms and I am going to start using them instead of raising my voice so much. The catch is that I have to stop what I am doing to go and let them out and maybe even put them there--and that is where I have dropped the ball lately. I have been reacting to their behaviors instead of responding with corrective discipline and I need to work on that before we are all here together this summer. Anyway, I have noticed that he likes to write so maybe he can get out some of his frustrations with us and I can write some encouragement to him in his journal AND his time in his room gives me time to get cool and calm--something I have needed to do more of lately.

Prov. 16:21 The wise in heart are called discerning,and pleasant words promote instruction.

Basically, when I read my proverb for the day I realized that words yelled at a loud volume are not TEACHING anything...and I shouldn't use them if they aren't valuable words.

James 1:20 The anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

Back to the book...
She says that God was a good parent and yet Adam and Eve still sinned so ya know sin has more to do with the default condition of the heart than my parenting...but still our job is to train and mold so we only get one chance and we better do it right and start early! "Ignoring moral issues when the implications are toddler-size can reap perilous, teenager-size repercussions."

"Teaching our children to obey us and our words is primarily teaching them to obey God and His Word." I think we can all agree that obey's God's Word is for our kids best and so they can live an abundant life like He promises.

Question to ask: "How could you have handled it differently, in a way that would have been more pleasing to Jesus?"

Letting kids have a "do-over" when they come in a room whining or complaining...I might try this one soon.

We did have a nice talk today and we "practiced" doing right and then doing wrong (which was funny) and correcting that behavior and even practicing the consequence. I hope that we can BOTH play our roles when the time comes!

One thing I am still trying to persistently do is to pray that they will be close and enjoy each other. Ideally, it is harder to hit and name-call to someone who is truly your genuine friend!

I also made some flashcards with my favorite scriptures that I need to read often and the boys could benefit from doing something productive before/during/after discipline! I don't know how to put those cards here so email me if you'd like me to send you the PDF.

I by no means think that my kids are going to turn out to be something b/c of anything I did, but in despite of me and only thanks to God...STILL, I hope to be found obedient to raising them God's way and then I'll leave "results" to him.

The pics: It is swimming and sprinkler time again! Yeah!
My roses that I love!

Thoughts from the Purpose of Christmas and of course other random thoughts

THE PURPOSE OF CHRISTMAS…

Have you ever read the entire Serenity Prayer? …I don’t think I had….

God, Grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change ; The courage, to change the things I can; And the wisdom, to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world As it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right If I surrender to His Will; So that I may be reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him Forever and ever in the next.
Reinhold Niebuhr


THOUGHTS ON THE RICK WARREN BOOK (The Purpose of Christmas) I’VE READ THIS MONTH THAT REALLY MOVED ME…
What are you most thankful to God for this year?
What gift will you give Jesus for his birthday?

--Am I devoting my life to living for significance? Everyone lives life at three levels: survival, success, and significance.

--justified means “just as if I never sinned” WOW!

--Salvation means FREEDOM—God did not intend for us to live independently of him and try to “work things out” on our own…He allows us problems so that we can depend on him…

“actually he had the solution to your problem in mind long before you even knew it was a problem. He’s been waiting for you to stop trying and start trusting.”

--The more your pray, the less you panic.

--The more your worship, the less you worry. ..which reminds me of when I asked the kids at Thanksgiving how we can be thankful to God and Jeb's answer: "worship" --yes, Foothills Community Church, worship!

--Blessed are the peacemakers--peace has to be MADE...you can love it, need it, want it, be peaceable...but to be a peacemaker that involves WORK.

--forgiving and trusting are two different things: forgiveness should be instant and unconditional while building back trust takes a long time and much work...

Salvation is freedom from the expectations of others—“The fear of human opinion disables.”

Love liberates. GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995)
No fear exists where his love is. Rather, perfect love gets rid of fear, because fear involves punishment. The person who lives in fear doesn't have perfect love.
When Jesus met people his first words were usually…”what do you want me to do for you?”

Christmas should be a CELEBRATION!! Your capacity for enjoyment is evidence of God’s love for you …The Bible says that God “richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.”

New International Version (©1984)
Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.

Gotta love the Message version of the scripture...
Galatians 5:19 (The Message)

19-21 " It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.

This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom."

In other news:

Caleb is eating that toothpaste in his bathroom...disgusting...I told him it would hurt his tummy and he replied, "it's nice."

Then, while I was sweeping the kitchen just now he told me that he wanted some "pencils that you can eat."...took me a minute...pretzels.


We had a blast caroling with friends. Caleb ran up front and center for most houses and looked just adorable standing there and attempting to sing. Made my heart so happy!

When Santa arrived the kids were spellbound. Seeing their faces as he handed out the gifts was toooooo cute!

Caleb was recently wrapped up in a blanket in our living room when he announced ...."look I am baby Jesus!"

We also had a fun cook out with friends recently...the men/cavemen enjoyed making fire with sticks (notice Caleb was right in the thick of it), the gals enjoyed chatting and laughing, we all enjoyed smores, and all the kids enjoyed wrestling and wii-ing when the weather outside was too "frightful"!