It make take weeks for you to read this! I am going to keep working on it as God reveals himself to me, but as we begin the application process I thought I'd post this--
WHY we are considering adoption…
I wrote this over the course of months. I needed to have a place to sort out my feelings and to really dig into what God’s word says about adoption. I then decided to share it with those who would one day become—and already are—our support system in life. I hope this answers some of your questions, helps you find ways to prayerfully support us, and helps you see my heart. So, I’ll start with the selfish stuff and end with what God has told me about this matter…
Why we are considering adoption: the whole unabridged story
I will begin with the selfish reasons why I want to adopt. I want another child (and am not hung up on having to birth it). I enjoy children. I want to make a difference in the world; I want to help a child. AND--Pregnancy was not as glamorous as we thought. It ramps up my asthma and make it very difficult for me to breathe—not fun. Jonas and I both feel that we were blessed to escape the last pregnancy with both mom and baby happy and healthy as the outcome…STILL it was stressful and scary at many points. On the petty side, I pee constantly and have to lose over 30 lbs—not easy to do! Nursing is something I want to do, but it is so demanding there for about 6 mos.; I’m not sure I want to go again…maybe I do??? I don’t know about that part now…1 year out. On the not so petty side--I have a desire for a daughter. Don’t misunderstand---I am100% content and happy with my boyz! I wouldn’t trade either of them for ANYTHING and I have so much fun being their mother. The day is coming, though, when those same boys will be off working on the farm with Daddy (who knows a girl might too?) and I want someone to “play with” as the “5” of us grow up. I was always just as much of a son to my dad at times, working the cows, playing sports, going on farm calls, working at his Vet clinic as my brother was and I know I could adopt a girl that is like that BUT STILL I enjoyed some great times with my mom—shopping, doing the prom thing, talking, cooking, cleaning, watching movies, and talking, did I say talking, talking and more talking! I want a similar relationship for my life as I age.
When I was dating Jonas and we began to talk about marriage I was very candid about this desire that I had to adopt/foster parent (I’ll explain why later). I will never forget sitting in Bambino’s Italian Café in downtown Columbia, MO, and telling Jonas that if he was planning to spend his life with me that this ministry was something that I was interested in doing. I told him to think long and hard about whether he could see himself adopting and foster parenting and get back to me. He had many questions/concerns/ etc (which I am thankful for and is perfectly fine), but he said he thought that would be something he could do in his life and see as a part of his marriage. So, as we say often around here—you knew that when you married me—hee hee! Truly we did have EVERY conversation possible in that 2.5 years of courtship.
Some folks say—you’re so young—just wait…but I don’t want to be having 2 separate families ….I don’t want to be raising toddlers in my 50’s. I think my 30’s while I am already raising babies full-time (staying home), and have lots of energy (well, somedays I wonder?) is the time to answer this calling. I am not guaranteed tomorrow. If God says do something…does he mean later? No. Another reason about why we are beginning this process--I don’t want to be raising kids in my 60’s. I want to raise kids in my 30’s and play more every decade I age! NOW, while I am used to raising kids is when I want to have them. I don’t want there to be a huge gap in children either—then it would like my birth children and my adopted children were different families. This process can take YEARS so I thought I’d better get going.
Some folks say… If God wanted you to have a daughter, he’d have given you one. I see that point I suppose, but I also see that God does not always (for whatever reason) grant us some of our wants or does not provide them the traditional ways you’d expect. He may have not given some folks kids (who would be GREAT parents) so that they would care and love other kids who need parents or parent-like figures in their life. Maybe God gave me these two boys (and they are perfect and wonderful and everything AND MORE that I ever dreamed about) that I adore and think fit Jonas and I perfectly and said, “I have a little girl waiting on you out there.” As I walk with God I know that he is not removing a desire for a daughter, he is not giving us peace about being pregnant again, and he has always led me to consider adoption. It makes sense to me.
Some folks say…why not just have another baby. It’s valid…I suppose I could. I just don’t know if I would ever then pursue offering up my home to kids who need a home…would my cup not already runneth over with kids in each room I have? Would I feel like I have as much to give? Some days I already feel beyond pooped out.
Some folks say…what if there is something wrong with the child? Yes, that could happen. It could happen to a child I birth as well. Can I trust God to give me what we need, what we can handle with God’s help, to know what he needs us to do? Even if God sends us a child with ailments/hurts could he not use that to make us more Christ-like? Could he not bring about healing and total restoration? Yes, he could.
Some folks say…but what about your two kids? What about them? Will they have their own rooms? Is that really that important to God? Will they get plenty of attention? Of course they will…less focus may be good for them in the long run. How will they be affected by an adopted child? Well, they would be affected by a child we birth as well. I choose to trust God and surrender them to Him. After all, they are gifts on loan from Him. I don’t own them; He does. He will ensure the best for their lives and He will teach me/instruct me how to make sure that that happens. When you surrender something to God; He blesses you. It is THE hardest thing to do to relinquish this anxiety for sure. But God is in control. I know he makes all things work together for GOOD for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Hopefully, my children will turn out less self-centered, more patient, more generous, more compassionate because of what we did as a family.
Is this really necessary…isn’t life hard enough? There is a need for sure. There are over 5K children in SC waiting on homes right now. There are 1500 children up for adoption currently. I cannot sit by idly while I feel like I can do something for 1 (or more) someday.
Some folks say—I don’t understand this process…Do you know what you are getting into--(So you understand the process)--We are choosing to foster-to-adopt. This means that we will be licensed as foster parents only for a child that meets our requirements and may one day become “legally free.” This means that at adoption, all parental rights would be terminated. We filled out pages worth of information on our family and pages worth of behaviors/prenatal care/illnesses/etc., that we cannot or can accept in our home. We are looking at fostering “high-risk” children, which yes, could mean that there is a CHANCE that the child may be returned to a parent/family member during the foster parenting time. However, the case workers will be able to help us know more about what the chances are when we are “matched” and “selected” for a child. So, we would then foster parent that child for the time of the court hearings and all the legal mumbo jumbo that that entails. Sometimes it is simply waiting for John or Johnette Doe to show up/find him/her or to sign some papers or sometimes a parent may be trying to get his/her act together (we are planning to really only take a child where termination seems eminent—but you never know.) Once the adoption is final (after the court date) the child will have a new SS card, new birth certificate, new name and yes, a new family! There is NO way for the family to come and get the child back and we are really “out of the system” and on our own. Like a child you would birth, there is obviously no return policy. When we are selected/called into to the Region I Adoptions office in Greenville (we will be eligible for any child in the state) they will tell us all they know about the child and then we will have a few days to decide if this is the one God has for us. What an exciting day that will be. It will also break my heart if the first one is not THE one, but I am praying that she will be. Join us in praying that even now as God knits her together He has HIS hand with her and on her and that someone, somewhere will make sure this child receives loving care and gets help and loves the child enough to find her a loving home. She would then come live with us as a foster child until it is a done deal. Time frame varies, of course. It could take 6 mos.; it could take over 2 years.
The concept of adoption is God’s own design (see Biblical examples below)! In love He predestined all of us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ. Ephesians 1:4-5 He chose to adopt us and there is not one of us that he does not love or think is better than the other one! There is nothing GREAT about us that made God want to adopt us. He wants to adopt us into His family simply because He loved us and wanted a relationship with us.
I do believe that when we become believers that God plants a dream in our heart to accomplish for His glory—this is why he gives us all spiritual gifts. I have prayed the prayer of Jabez for years and never felt God’s calling to go into foreign missions, but for many years (see story below) I have felt a real tug on my heart to love children in need of lovin’. I have always adored kids (starting with the Singleton girls in 1993) and enjoyed spending time with them. I was first a nanny for an adopted newborn baby in Westminster for a summer. As the nanny, I was blessed to teach a very wealthy, quite selfish 40-year old woman how to care for her new baby from what I knew from Kim’s girls, church nursery and babysitting in general. It was both heartbreaking and gratifying to care for her new baby like my own all day. His many days in the sling in my arms made me sure that I was made to mother.
I was a Nanny throughout college for 3 wonderful families. But it was one lady who REALLY made me consider adopting/foster parenting in 1997! I was a freshman in college with a lot of hurt stored up from some JUNK that came to pass my senior year in high school. When I landed at the University of Missouri I was surely adopted. The people at Cornerstone Baptist church had nothing to gain from taking this hurt chick under their wing and as their own child, but they did anyway. One person in particular who thrives off taking the hurting and binding up their wounds took me as one of her many (some fosters were official ones from the Dept. of Family Services) unofficial “foster” kids/teens/adults. Jeanette Oxford showed me that I was only as sick as my secrets that I was keeping and my perfect smile I was flashing to cover up some loneliness and some prideful hurtin’. She showed me what it truly meant to open up to someone else, to open up a home, a heart, and bear all your imperfectness—in fact, put it on show at times to the glory of God’s grace—but also to love God and others with all (plus some) your heart and mind. During my times, weekends, holidays, evenings, in her home I was privileged to be able to come alongside her as she loved cocaine addicted babies (3 that I knew) back to health….and watch them be adopted. She ended up adopting 2 of those babies (now 18 and 12) and one baby boy was adopted by another couple in the church. I’ll never forget the day Jeanette called me and recruited “all hands on deck” since she was meeting a social worker at Wal-Mart (her standby meeting place since she can pick up supplies!) to pick up a baby. I was shocked to see a white onesie that was virtually black it was so dirty and he pretty much cried for weeks. His life had already been traumatic. It was heartbreaking and then it was then a miracle to see him running around happily months later! “Failure to Thrive” no more! Her ministry and her heart for her ministry simply AMAZED me. She was not all show and no go! She was willing to invest her life and her family in caring for these very needy, unhealthy babies. She was willing to take risks and lose many hours of sleep so these babies could be exposed to loving-kindness and Christ’s love through her touch. Her wall of smiling faces that she loved back to health simply astounded me. Her life was truly being invested in something that will leave a legacy. Her legacy is left first of all in her birth-children. Her “birth-boys” are loving, kind, and generous to all they meet because they have also loved, cared for, and been changed by foster children. Her 2-adopted girls are growing up in the loving home of a Christian family when they could have grown up in a group home or much, much worse, never being exposed to the name of Jesus. “To the world you may be one person—to one person you may just be the whole world.” A quote Jeanette loved that inspired me! Jeanette’s favorite: The only thing that counts is FAITH expressing itself in love. Galatians 5:8
“There are many things to invest in during your life. But there is only one thing of real, lasting value. There is only one investment with eternal significance—people.” This quote was spoken by a man named Larry McDaniel who ran a group home for orphans in MO that I was blessed to know through Jeanette.
Another person that had impacted me on my journey is Victoria Bates. In 2003, I met a little girl named Victoria through the Big Brothers Big Sisters Program. She also contributed to changing my life and opening my heart for adoption. She is quite possibly the most resilient person I know to date. Despite being abused physically and sexually and being rejected by her mother she has NEVER I repeat NEVER been bitter, resentful or hateful to people in her life. She amazes me with her kindness, compassion, non-judgmental attitude, and ability to see the bright side in every situation. It has been my joy to watch her grow and mature in her faith and in her character the past 8 years. I wish I could have done more for her, but it was rewarding and wonderful to be able to pick her up and shower lo ve, affection, and FUN into her life. Then, it was even better to show her a man who did not hit, or use unloving words and a family that was healthy and thriving. She has told me that it gives her hope that her life can be like ours. WHOA…I wanted to cry. Little moments that we shared made her see a bigger, better vision for her life. I am thrilled to report that she is 18 and every woman that she knows in her family has been pregnant by now and instead she is graduating and starting college. I hope I can do that again. I believe that a child coming here and simply hearing the name of Jesus Christ and feeling unconditional love can plant a seed that could grow and prosper in a child’s heart.
The Dream Giver—a book that influenced my thinking on this matter-- The first portion of the book is a modern-day parable that tells the story of Ordinary, one who dares to leave the Land of Familiar in order to pursue his Big Dream. The second half discusses the meaning of the parable, opening our eyes to the Big Dream within each of us. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has a Big Dream. Some of us have suppressed it and some of us don't believe it can ever happen. But the truth is that your Big Dream gives you a target to aim for, and it reveals much about your purpose in this lifetime.
Notes from the book that impacted me at this time in my life:
One may have to sacrifice and make big changes to leave a comfort zone to pursue dreams.
True dreams (from God) always benefit others. A Big Dream is always aimed at meeting a Big Need in the world. Dreams are to help someone else. Comfort is to help yourself. Is personal comfort my only dream? That is surely not why God put us here?
If you don’t see a dream—maybe your soul is sleeping? This was mentioned at the Extraordinary Women’s conference I went to this year. What a thought.
There are many obstacles to pursuing, even God-ordained dreams:
1. People who love you may not grasp the dream, even your family! They’re motivation are pure…maybe there is some merit to their warnings to consider and digest. However, much of their anxiety is that God may not have called them to your dream and they are being FORCED out of their comfort zone. This is no fun for them. It upsets them because it is “not safe (the alarmist),” “not the way things are always done (the traditionalist),” or “not the easy way/this is just not going to work (the defeatist).” Are they concerned for you or afraid for themselves?
2. During the dry times God will give just enough strength and a measure of faith to keep going.
3. Another obstacle is Money—Ordinary told that lie to get out of the way and called on God to help—he took courage…he leaned on the Dream Giver to provide what He needed.
4. Find Warriors to help you through the Wasteland on the way to pursuing God’s dreams for your life—mentors who have pursued your dream and fought for it—they can encourage you along the way—God has already put some of these folks in my life. Some mentors come into your life for just moments, others for forever. What a God! See Jeanette above as a forever one! Airport Girl is one for sure—what she said really struck me—On the way home from FL, a young (19) girl was next to me and when we had some turbulence she took out her Bible. I knew this was no ordinary teen when we sat down b/c she was so sweet with Caleb. I began talking with her and before I knew it she was telling me all about her family, their farm and her animals. Then, she said—well, he’s not my real brother but I’ve known him since he was young—see I’m adopted. Well, then we kept talking and sharing and she says this, “ I hope you do adopt one day. I often think about how my life would have been different; I mean I could have been a foster child or been adopted into a non-Christian home.” Yes, Christian home—that is what she was more thankful for. When I get caught up in do we have enough to give 3 or 4 kids I’m going to think—we have the best gift of all to share with children in need—the hope of eternal salvation through Jesus Christ. Proverbs 14:26 says, "He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge." I hope our home can be a refuge for some kids!
Shari Dickerson and Michelle you are another Warrior—Your lives and your story are an inspiration!
5. Most people who feel stuck need to rethink priorities. Usually they have put a certain standard of living, a way of life, or some other assumptions about what they must have above dreaming God’s dreams.
6. If I was supposed to do this dream, why am I afraid? Without fear, there is no genuine courage…no point that you realize that you need God.
Questions to consider about your dreams: What have I always been good at?
What needs do I care the most about? Who do I admire the most? What makes me fill most fulfilled? What do I love to do the most? What have I felt called to do? My answer: Be with Kids for all of the above. Do you believe in the Dream Giver enough to trust His purpose and accept His plan of preparation, even if you don’t understand it all completely?
Scriptures about adoption that I’ve been stewing over:Helping a poor child or homeless person is not a suggestion in the Bible; it is a command. Galations 2:10 All they asked was that we should continue to remember the poor, the very thing I was eager to do. This command carries a promise: Psalm 41:1-3 How blessed is the one who treats the poor properly! When trouble comes, the Lord delivers him. May the Lord protect him and save his life! May he be blessed in the land! Do not turn him over to his enemies! The Lord supports him on his sickbed; you completely heal him from his illness.
Deuteronomy 24:19 "He defends the cause of the fatherless, giving food and clothing."
{Josiah} defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?” Jeremiah 22:16
What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. But someone will say, “You have faith and I have works.” Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works. (James 2:14-18 ESV) Faith without works is dead.
James 1:27 "Religion that our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this; to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
Romans 8:15-16 "For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, Abba! Father!" The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God."
Exodus 22:22-24"He hears the cries of the orphan."
Psalm 10:14 (NIV)"But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless."
Psalm 68:5"He is a father to the fatherless."
Deuteronomy 14:29"He blesses those who provide for the orphan."
Matthew 25:35-36"For when I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."
Luke 14:12-14 Then Jesus said to his Host, “When you give a luncheon, do not invite your friends or relatives or brothers, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you’d be repaid. But when you give a banquet (my interpretation—when you sacrificially give of yourself in ANY way), invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.”
Adoptions in the Bible:Moses was born to Israelite parents, Amram and Jochebed, at a time when all baby boys were being killed by an edict of Pharaoh. As the result of a plan by Jochebed to save Moses' life, Pharaoh's daughter took Moses from the river at three months of age. She recognized his heritage and knew that his birth parents had placed him in the river to save his life. Pharaoh's daughter gave the baby to Jochebed to be nursed, probably until about age five. At that time, "she took him to Pharaoh's daughter and he became her son" (Exodus 2:10).
Esther, an orphan, was adopted by her cousin Mordecai. The story of Mordecai and Esther is a beautiful example of respect and care between a father and daughter. We see simultaneously his love and concern for her--"Every day he walked back and forth near the courtyard of the harem to find out how Esther was and what was happening to her" (Esther 2:11)--and her respect and obedience toward him--"but Esther had kept secret her family background and nationality just as Mordecai had told her to do, for she continued to follow Mordecai's instructions as she had done when he was bringing her up" (Esther 2:19-20). Their cooperation while Esther was in the king's favor saved the Jewish nation.
The lineage of Jesus, as prophesied in the Old Testament, is fulfilled through Joseph (see Matthew 1:1-17). Joseph is fully and completely Jesus' father - participating in his naming, protecting him from danger by traveling to Egypt, teaching him a trade, and presenting him at the temple.
Jacob's adoption of Ephraim and Manasseh--Genesis 48
Abram and Eliazar--Genesis 15
Eli and Samuel--1 Samuel 1
Mephibosheth—Remember how David and Jonathan were so close? Well, in 2 Sam 9:1 David began wondering if Saul’s family still had any living descendants, for he had promised Jonathan that he would show kindness to them.” Well, he found this crippled one of Jonathan’s sons living in Lo-debar, Israel. This was a terrible place where he was living a terrible life. Then, in 2 Sam 9:11—“And from that time on, Mephibosheth ate regularly with David, as though he were one of his own sons.” He went from being about as low as one can go, to eating at the king’s table.
